Posted by Doug Showalter on March 26, 1998 at 00:29:10:
In Reply to: Dealing with mixed emotions posted by Joy on March 14, 1998 at 17:44:17:
Dear Joy,
You state that your boyfriend has betrayed you, and your friend has betrayed you. Frankly, I think it is only natural that you would feel some anger towards both of them. Both broke their own individual trust relationship with you.
You say your female friend gets to go on as if nothing happened. On the surface it may seem that way, but what has happened has happened. The clock can't be turned back. I would find it hard to believe that your friend would not have, at least eventually, some remorse or regret about her actions--though she may never let you see that. At the very least, as she now enters a new chapter in her life--her marriage--she has put herself in the position of having to live with a lie, and having that lie be between her and her new husband. I cannot believe that is healthy for anyone or for any relationship.
You say your boyfriend still gets calls from your friend and that he still has feelings for her. If you still want to try to have a close relationship with your boyfriend, I would think it would be important for both of you to cut your ties with this friend--given the past history of betrayal. Give your own relationship a chance, without the presence of that other person in your lives. And, under the circumstances, I would think that would be better for your friend as well. Fresh starts for all, with the hope that all would have learned valuable lessons from the painful experiences of betrayal in the past.
I would encourage you, at this point, to focus on your own life. What do you want out of life? What about your self-esteem? I would think at this point that you would really want to re- evaluate your relationship with your boyfriend. Is that relationship really fulfilling your needs and a mutual sharing of love, or is it basically unhealthy for you? Is your boyfriend really willing to work with you wholeheartedly to make your relationship more fulfilling in the future?
As I have said before on this web site, I really am an optimist. I believe that if two people really love each other AND they are really willing to work together on their relationship, that they can overcome virtually all odds, even the pain and betrayal of adultery. But it does take work and a real strong commitment to each other and to the relationship. However, I have very little optimism for situations where that strong willingness to work is lacking in even one of the partners. The fact is that no one person can make a relationship good, or keep it together all by themselves--though many people try to do these things, and never succeed ultimately.
Best wishes to you. I will keep you in my prayers. You may be at an important turning point in your life, which came your way unasked for. Make the best of it. Something good could be ahead for you. As the biblical Joseph said to his brothers, regarding the evil they had done to him, years before he ended up becoming such an important figure in Egypt:
"Even though you intended to do harm to me, God intended it for good..." [Genesis 50:20]
Just as God used the unpleasant duty of paying Roman taxes to get Joseph and pregnant Mary to Bethlehem, where it was prophesied the Messiah would be born, so I believe God often finds a way to bring some good for us out of the evil and suffering which comes our way.
Doug Showalter